The truth about superheroes capes’ is way more embarrassing than you would think.
A muscular, spandex wearing man who dons a cape is automatically assumed a superhero. It is the most common trope in the world of uber men, but why? What are the origins of the regal cloak? We sat down with two retired superheroes, and pumped them for insider information. Their responses were nearly identical, revealing juicy gossip that isn’t at all what we expected.
“Honestly, it’s the tights. They don’t look right without a pair of underwear worn over top of them. So you end up with a perpetual wedgie.” says Mega Mo, a former hero out of Boise Idaho who sells superhuman dank. “The whole point of the cape is so no one can tell when you’re picking wedgies out of your ass. I would have no use for mine if I didn’t eat so much spicy food. It’s nice to have the freedom to really dig in and scratch that itch without being stared at.”
“Exactly.” echoes Bleeber, a hero with frosted tips. “The truth about superheroes is a lot of times we’re just digging at our asses. The costume is itchy and sweaty, the cape is the only part that works.”
The cape also protects the hero from the threat of receiving a surprise wedgie when approached from behind. That’s why Spider Man doesn’t need one, his Spidey senses alert him of would be attackers and let him know when he can pick his butt without being seen. Most heroes carry a small bottle of hand sanitizer inside of their cape pocket. When their fingers reek of poo, heroes can kill more than 99.99% of the bacteria on their hands. From their anus.
There you have it. If your favorite superhero is of the cape wearing variety, you’ve unknowingly watched him dig for dingleberries.