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A MILLENNIAL CAREER GUIDE

 A Millennial Career Guide

Readers often ask for constructive criticism on the Millennial problem. Their prognosis is firmly terminal, hence my focus on educating the general public on the menace itself. Awareness is the first step to quarantine. Yet, perhaps struck by naive optimism, I found myself writing a letter of advice directly to the Millennial on the simple topic of work. The following is my unabridged, open letter of advice that I refer to as a Millennial career guide.

Poor lost soul,

The realization your liberal arts degree holds zero market value has set in, sleeping on your buddy’s couch grown old, and the band broke up again. Three years of on again off again, and still no album.

Your mouth is dry, head splitting with a marijuana hangover headache. What day is it? What year?

Pull it together. What follows is the reality check your parents should have given you. You aren’t going to “make it”.  Not in the entertainment industry, not as an entrepreneur, and not as a street artist or screenwriter. Take whatever silly dream you are holding onto, start referring to it as your hobby, and get a job.

Your options are limited considering your lack of a marketable skill. The tattoos, piercings, resume gaps, and useless degree are disqualifying for most reputable organizations and professional positions. The way I see it, you have three legitimate options. Put away illusions of grandeur, and remind yourself that you aren’t a special snowflake. Be realistic enough to understand that this is an intervention. No more politically correct, tip toeing around the truth BS.

Here are the three options. You can pour coffee, a position known as barista. This works for the millennial because coffee shops managers are used to dealing with the millennial work ethic. You can also migrate to a city that caters to the millennial defect, and hand out marijuana at a dispensary. This is a position known as bud tender. This one works because they don’t test for THC, and saves the millennial money on their marijuana habit.

Or, you can ignore my advice and go through with your plans to build a startup company. This is a position known as failed entrepreneur. Do what you want with it.

Signed,
Jeremiah Meyerson

There it is, something constructive for the worst generation. Choose wisely.

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