Man Celebrates One Millionth Squirrel Kill
Ernest Johnson The Third has been hunting squirrels his entire life. Squirrel season takes place between August 15th and January 31st, allowing hunters to kill a maximum of twelve squirrels per day. This means you can kill roughly 2000 squirrels per season, making Earnests’ claim sound far fetched.
How could one man kill a million squirrels?
“Only keel twelve at a time, then do it again. They don’t never say nuthin’ to me. It’s my property.” says Ernest, who claims to have killed over 300 squirrels in a single day. “Squirrels know me. They know my scent. Every day, all year. I’m huntin’ and eatin’ squirrel.”
Ernest is 81 and looks 100. It’s a wonder he can even walk. He’s been hunting squirrels since he was 12 years old. That’s 69 years of experience. So if his 1 million squirrel kill claim is true, he has killed roughly 40 squirrels a day, 365 days a year, for almost 70 years.
“Sounds bout right.” he says, perplexed by math. “I can’t count or nothin’ so I’ll take your words on it.” he says.
“Wait, if you can’t count, how do you know this was your millionth kill?” I ask, suddenly skeptical. Ernest lifts a fresh kill by the tail, and looks the specimen over.
“You know when you’ve killed a million squirrels.” he says. And who would know better than Johnson the Third? Call The Guinness Book of World Records, and call Jerry Springer. We have something they’ll wanna take a look at.