Bigfoot’s Dick: Where is it?
You know what they say about men with big feet, so where is Bigfoot’s dick? He’s a nine foot wild animal, not a hairy Ken doll.
He would helicopter that thing simply by walking. Yet, in photo after photo, the emperor wears no clothes. Are all Sasquatch female? What else explains this unusual anomaly?
After looking back at the archives and staring at the bare spot of flesh where penis would be, one thing is certain. Bigfoot’s dick is nowhere to be seen. It would be one thing if he weren’t an obvious primate, or the angle of his pelvis was always conveniently pointed away from the camera. Yet nay, full frontal with nothing more than a bare patch of nothingness. The idea of Bigfoot itself is nothing more than lipstick and rouge, a mere costume. This discovery took years of my life, and required an extreme attention to detail.
As a former believer myself, I come bearing bad news. It’s all been a hoax. Bigfoot is debunked! Every last bit of his supposed existence. Every documentary, sighting, and grainy photo. I wish I’d seen it sooner, noticed the intricate pattern of deception weaving it all together. Where’s the beef? It would have saved me thousands of hours of manpower on fruitless Sasquatch hunts.
But as Johnny Cochran might have said, “If there ain’t no dick, you must quit!” and that is what I’m here to do. After more than twenty years chasing Bigfoot, I’m out of the game. There’s absolutely no point whatsoever to running in circles, which is why we laugh at dogs who do the exact same thing. I hate to admit my foolishness, but there is simply no such thing. My only aim is to share my findings with other seekers, so that they can do the same.