EXPERT OPINION: DEFINING THE MILLENNIAL
The word ‘Millennial’ strikes fear into the heart of God fearing Americans, and rightfully so. The menace is under studied and misunderstood. As the leading expert on the problem, readers ask often for a simple definition of the Millennial.
Despite recurring overlap of certain characteristics, there is no definitive Millennial. They are prone to things like; veganism, lack of gumption, long term unemployment, burnout, and cell phone addiction.
Still, the defect is generational, and so it requires parameters. The exact origin and end points are up for debate, but I tend to agree with Howe and Strauss on their 1982 to 2002 designation. For me, this is not exact enough. A further subdivision is required. While I agree on the twenty year span, there seem to be two distinct “waves” of the problem. The way I see it, there is first and second wave Millennialism, and it should be defined as such.
First and second wave Millennialism. The first wave includes individuals born within 1982 and 1992, while the second wave consists of individuals born within 1993 and 2002. First wave is less severe than second, but they’re all Millennial.
The first wave of Millennialism was defected by things like the late eighties and growing up with boy bands. The second wave was defected by constant access to the internet, and growing up with separated at birth triplets; Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, and Ellen DeGeneres.
The waves are the macro level, and Millennialism breaks down into hundreds of subcategories at the micro level. There’s no point getting into all of them in this article, but these are what I consider the most destructive demographics of Millennials.
The lowest of the low are the anti Americans. The Antifa, socialists, and social justice warriors. Look, we’re all against fascism, but there is only one group of confused idiots in ski masks stomping out free speech. Socialism, really? This is a major step back in our collective thought process, and an unfortunate side effect of too much information and not enough curriculum.
The west won the war of ideals, and we won because of intellectual understandings that are the driving force behind the most important achievements and empire in human history.
The United States of America is the greatest country in the world. It’s about freedom of the man. Freedom is something sovereign, only to be achieved and experienced by the individual. The crowning jewel of the human experience is that elusive, only you can give it to you.
All we can do is let you chase it, and incentivize the pearls you might obtain. It’s called the market and capitalism. I’m not apt to forget that. Is it sometimes harsh? Sure. Is life?
Speaking of the west, let’s talk about those rare individuals who distinguish themselves from the crowd. Even the Millennials have a few. Soldiers get a Millennial exemption for their service. The other tolerable Millennial is the IT guy, the young men and women who took on the burden of learning where computers were heading, and acquired the necessary skills to cash in on it. This is not to be confused with the self proclaimed “computer guys” who run startup companies into the ground as a hobby.
Entrepreneurs make up a hefty chunk of the Millennial demographic, and should be avoided. You will receive weekly Kickstarter crowdfunding requests if you don’t. Keep in mind that over 99 percent of Millennial businesses fail within a year, demonstrating perfectly their follow through capabilities.
Large swaths of unemployed, unwashed Millennials line the streets in many cities. This group is referred to as the homeless hippies. Drug rugs, dreadlocks, crossfit, yoga, veganism, new age spirituality, DMT, selfie sticks, and Bernie Sanders signs. Any combination of these symptoms is enough for a positive diagnosis. This is the group that is the most confounding. What is the high concept for their premise? Jackass meets the 60’s? Luckily, social media takes up a large enough portion of their day to keep them mostly debilitated.
That will do for now.