Generation Award Winner Chris Pratt’s Practical Advice for Pooping
You probably didn’t watch the MTV movie awards. That isn’t a slight against them, because that would make me a bully, and I’m bigger than that. Plus, on the off chance MTV brings back Jason Mayhem Miller for a comeback season of “Bully Beatdown”, I’d rather not be cast as a guest star. But if you did catch the show, you were privy to Chris Pratt’s acceptance speech after winning the “Generation Award”. Pratt aptly titled the speech, “Nine Rules from Chris Pratt, Generation Award Winner”. While the speech was full of wisdom and insight, we’d like to focus on one of his rules in particular.
“Number 7. If you have to poop at a party, but you’re embarrassed because you’re going to stink up the bathroom, just do what I do, lock the door, sit down, get all the pee out first. Okay? And then, once all the pee’s done, poop, flush, boom. Ya minimize the amount of time the poop is touching the air, cause if you poop first, it takes you longer to pee, then you’re peeing on top of it, stirring it up, the poop particles create a cloud, goes out, then everyone in the party will know that you pooped. Just trust me, it’s science.” And not just any ole’ branch of science, poop science.
Obviously, the facts he presented were accurate and thoroughly researched, but more than that, the message was incredibly prescient. During a time when the people are weary, many struggling with their faith, Pratt hit it on the head by reminding the next generation that there are still things worth believing in.
In the name of poop science, let us expand slightly on the idea. First, you don’t have to sit down to pee. In fact, I find this part of the advice a little strange. Perhaps Chris has struggled in the past with sharting, an issue only he and God know the answer to. And if you suffer from PTP-RED (Post Traumatic Projectile Rear Emission Disorder), then by all means. The whole point of this technique is to avoid public ridicule, and you will fail miserably if you return to the party reeking of shit and carrying loose fecal matter in your shorts. Still, the principle is solid. Pee first, sitting or standing. That’s why it is called number one.
Poop, flush, boom. Keep it simple. The only addition this section requires is further explanation of the idea behind it. You see, the toilet seat is actually a highly evolved piece of technological perfection. It does more than provide a station for which to park your ass.
Poop science states that the toilet seat also creates a vacuum seal between the butt cheeks and the inner portion of the toilet. This locks in 99.99% of the smell. Most aren’t aware of this genius feature, and will actually stand up, breaking the seal, before turning around and flushing the toilet. An amateur mistake. Your spine allows your torso to turn for a specific reason, so you can flush the toilet before breaking the seal. That’s where the term “courtesy flush” comes from.
Always the practical jokester, Chris left out a very important piece of the puzzle. Poop, flush, boom? Where does the wipe fit into all of this? Those rich Hollywood types, always spoiled by the spine tickling sensation of luxuries like bidets. For those of us who still use a wad of white tissue paper to further smear the leftovers, don’t forget the wipe! This happens after the courtesy flush, and BEFORE the final flush. Got that? The entire process can fail if you forget the second flush, because someone may be waiting on you to finish up in there. You will exchange an awkward nod as you pass him on the way out, and when he locks the door behind him to begin his own ritual, he’ll know the leftovers were yours.
Said all of that to say this; Chris Pratt delivered a fantastic speech, which can be viewed in its entirety through the link below.
Whenever an elder speaks, especially on a vital topic like poop science, take heed. After all, there is no path, but only a fool doesn’t follow it.