HOW TO HANDLE PUBLIC FARTS AND SHARTING EVENTS
Most people are terrified at the idea of public speaking, and rightfully so. All those eyes, watching, judging, snickering. Yet public speaking pales in comparison to the horror of a public shart or farting event, the number one and two leading causes of human fear, respectively.
We’ve all woke from nightmares about sharting in public, likely screaming and soaked in a cold sweat. But how do you actually handle public farts and sharting events?
Scenario 1: The classic elevator fart. You and a packed house, all headed to the top floor from ground level. Before ascension begins, your stomach rumbles and a deep pressure forms in your bowels. It sneaks out before you have a chance to wipe your brow, and you pray to God it isn’t retched. Oh, but it is. A thick, musty stench that’ll stick around. No air flow in an elevator after all.
Act immediately, as a moment of hesitation in a high risk situation can get you killed. People who move survive, and it’s time to make yours. You are the only one in the elevator aware of who dealt it, and any adult knows that he who smelt it dealt it. You have to beat the smell. At the moment of back blast, chuckle lightly, and make your accusation.
“Wait, did you just…?” and don’t finish the question. Wave it off and go back to minding your business, but hold the smirk. As the smell emanates the elevator, others will look around. Your breaking the ice moments earlier makes the crowd more likely to question the event out loud, injecting further chaos that gets you off scot free. Say nothing more, simply cover your mouth with your t-shirt and move as far away from the person you accused as humanly possible. If you have more gas, pass it freely, and enjoy the spectacle of your creation.
There you have it, how to poot in an elevator full of strangers without fear of recourse. Keep in mind that the speed of your reaction and your boldness are the keys to the success of the mission. This is classic shock and awe, followed by a clever misdirection. The attention of the crowd will be on the accused, and positioning yourself as far from them as possible allows you to be far from suspicion as possible.
Scenario 2: You’re sitting at a bar on a hot summer day, wearing cargo shorts. You feel a fart coming on and push it out for laughs, but there’s a discharge. Once again, people who move stay alive. There’s danger, and you need to get off the X.
The smell will be impossible to beat here, nor do you possess the option of making an accusation. There’s a bunch of runny poo in your cargo shorts, and it’s going to fall out in chunks as you stand. The moment you realize you’ve excreted, sprint for the door. Clean up is for later, and shame is for cowards. Get out of there and never return. Move to another city if enough people who knew you witnessed the debacle.
Be prepared, be safe, and always have a plan to avoid taking credit for a fart or shart. Remember, action is the only way to conquer fear.
How to Handle Public Farts and Sharting Events