New Spirituality 

IS GOD THE WORLD’S OLDEST VIRGIN

God is the World’s Oldest Virgin

What if God is the world’s oldest virgin? And what if his virginity is the reason he’s so down on sex. God has never had sex. He made everything, and every living thing he makes has sex with each other.

And he sees everything we do. So we’re literally fornicating in front of God all the time. Everybody, all the time. Man, woman, animal and bug. Always fornicating. Even tards have intercourse, I believe.

There are so many kinds of sex. Straight sex, gay sex, group sex, anal sex, oral sex, protected sex, unprotected sex, kinky sex, vanilla sex, loud sex, quiet sex, slow sex, fast sex, and he sees it all. No one has seen more live porno than the man upstairs.

We all do it, and virgin God has to take it all in. He has to watch every cum shot, creampie, prolapse and 69. Every blow job, butt lick, threesome and donkey punch. And you think this doesn’t wear on him? Leave him feeling a little tense? So he’s angry, all the time, searching for sinners to smite. And his whole playbook on sex is simple, he pretty much bans everything except for straight couples performing missionary style sex for the purpose of procreation. The only type of sex he couldn’t put restrictions on, for it would lead to the extinction of our species. Everything else angers him.

So he created a son, and sent him to live amongst us. His name was Jesus, and his sole purpose for living was to spread his seed so God could live vicariously through him. Only it backfired, as Jesus was too blameless to debase himself by sleeping with any of his brothers and sisters. And this angered God, who continued to watch everyone around him screw until their hearts were content, while his own son struggled mightily with the ladies.

Jesus was put to death at the age of 33, after God righteously declared

“No son of mine will live to be a 40 year old virgin!” and that was that. To this day, God continues to have the worst case of blue balls in the history of the known universe. Revelations, the end times apocalypse, will occur when they finally explode.

God is the world’s oldest virgin

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