Written by Girth E.P. Ness
It’s been said a person expresses the entirety of themselves in every moment, and under no circumstance is that more true than when a person farts.
It’s an organic expression more unique than a fingerprint. Few are entrepreneurial, but everyone has their own brand.
There are only three transcendent languages. Music, math, and fart. Imagine the following scenario; there is a tightly packed elevator and everyone inside speaks a different language. If one person passes gas audibly, everyone will laugh unless the stench makes the whole joke offensive. Your age, skin color gender, race, social standing, none of it matters in the face of ass. Sound is the reason music carries the title of being the universal language, and fart has that too. But music doesn’t have smell. Only fart can claim the wonderful combination.
Farting illustrates well the spectrum of life as man. Joy is a high point of the human experience, and an energy sorely lacking in the collective. Farts give it in spades. There is also pain, like the burning of a rectum following a binge on a massive plate of overly spicy chicken wings. Or even embarrassment, like when you try to push out your flatulence too hard for a laugh and a Hershey squirt sneaks its way out.
My mission in life is an ode to the fart, and for all of the beauty contained within. For the harmonious and varied sounds intestinal wind produces, for the great flatulists and (f)artists who came before me, and to all of the stinky pooters who will come after.
I love you fart.
Editor’s Note: Girth E.P. Ness is a personal favorite, and I knew when I read Life’s Essence that it was an excretion that needed spread.