Millennial Midlife Crisis
The oldest Millennials are now in their thirties, and still struggling with the process they refer to as ‘adulting’. They don’t have houses, as they live with their parents. And they don’t have children, because they are children.
Basement dwelling and couch surfing take their toll, as does life without employment. Millennials are anti social hippies who venerate the cell phone, and recoil at the thought of showing gumption. And now the existential reality of a life wasted is staring them dead in the eye, and they’re breaking down.
The typical midlife crisis involves realizing you’ve spent your life working, let your body go, and bypassed a lot of the fun stuff you wanted to do when you were 18 because you were working so damn hard. So you comb what’s left of your hair over the bald spot, and head down to the motorcycle dealership. The wife isn’t happy when she sees your new hog, but she understands. She herself has taken a young lover on the side. But she’s a good woman, she’ll never let you know a thing.
The Millennial midlife crisis is something different altogether. It involves waking up in your mom’s basement, and realizing that Tinder is absolutely not working for you, and you are also terrified of non cell phone based interaction.
That you need a job. It’s an anxiety inducing confrontation with the real world, the one Millennials avoid.
There are only so many barista positions, and what happens to a tiny home when struck by a major weather event? If ignorance is bliss, youth is short sighted. The coming decade will be full of midlife crises similar to the one I described and worse. The time for penance has come. The ultimate I told you so for parents across the nation who pleaded with their children not to “enter the Cannabis industry”, start micro breweries, or any other amateur hour startup company. The time has come for the Millennial midlife crisis.