TINDER FOR DUMMIES
What follows is a guide to navigating the shark infested waters of the modern digital dating world. It’s a strange place, full of fear and loathing, and you shouldn’t enter the arena without preparation.
Abandon all hope ye who enter here. This is the first prerequisite, if you’ve gotten this far, you should have already arrived at this conclusion. There are lots of bad ideas that we choose to do anyway, consider creating a Tinder profile one such idea. Finding a reasonable human being on Tinder is actually a mathematically proven impossibility, so this guide will serve more as a ‘what not to do’ than a ‘what to do’, because what you should do is delete the app and work on your mental health. This is Tinder for Dummies.
The Tinder bio section is where you’ll gather intel, the place where you discover what type of demon you’ve found lurking in the abyss. These are red flags to avoid at all costs.
While being an entrepreneur is a real thing, it isn’t something an actual entrepreneur will put in their bio. If you see this word, mentally replace it with ‘unemployed’ and move on.
There are no legitimate CEOs on Tinder, as they wouldn’t be forced to stoop so low as creating a dating profile in the cesspool that is Tinder. Throw this in the same category as entrepreneur.
This is Tinder for cat lady.
Swiped right for your dog
Everyone likes dogs, but you have to be a special type of stupid to date someone specifically to meet a dog. This person is likely a sociopath who wants to kill you and your dog, and should be avoided at all costs.
Looking for a plug
They want your drugs, or they’re undercover cops. Either way, keep the good stuff for yourself and tell them to find their own drug dealer like any other respectable person.
Not here for a hookup
These are promiscuous people who use Tinder as a replacement for the Craigslist Casual Encounters section. Think about it, who mentions things that they aren’t interested in as ways to define themselves? It’s on their mind because it’s the sole reason they’re on the app, and it’s code to find other sexual deviants.
Super liked on accident
This is either deceptive or a dick move. If they super liked you on accident, what is the point in telling you? To make you feel worse about yourself in order to make them feel better about themselves, a basic tactic of the common bully. Or they’re just lying.
Not into playing games
If the word ‘not’ appears in a bio, it means the opposite. This person is openly manipulative, but isn’t interested in competing with another proper asshole. They’re looking for someone who isn’t into games so they can theirs win every time.
My dog is cuter than you
Of course it is, it’s a dog you fucking idiot. The only reason they bring it up is because they get off on insulting strangers on the internet. It’s a subversive way to make you question your looks.
This person is delusional and enjoys living in a fantasy world of pseudoscience. Keep an eye out for people who list both their “moon sign”, and their “rising sign”, as these people are especially disturbed.
Tacos / Bacon
If they reference these foods, it isn’t all that bad. It’s just a sign that they don’t have a sense of humor, and use ‘I like obvious foods that everyone likes’ in lieu of jokes.
Food is the way to my heart
Literally every human being eats. This is Tinder for ‘I’ll date anyone who feeds me’. It’s the ultimate sign of low standards.
That’s everything you need to know about Tinder. Use protection, get tested for STDs after every Tinder date whether you have sex or not, and enjoy your decline.
Tinder for Dummies